For many people holiday memories are not so great, even hurtful. Traditional culture has placed all kinds of expectations of the perfect family holiday full of great food, family memories shared, lots of laughter and joy. If you’re fortunate, or rather blessed you will have all of this and more stored in the pictures of your mind. The pain of a loved one missing at the table though can really make holidays sad for many. This pain and grief is important to embrace and allow yourself to feel the feelings. It’s healthy to just cry and remember them.

Many of us have a mix of some good and some not so good recollections and memories from holidays past. Unfortunately, some have painful memories of family gatherings and dread the thought of getting together for the holidays every year to the point of finding any reason in the world to bail out. It’s ok, your feelings are valid. Navigating a gathering can also be challenging when there is alcohol involved, drug addicted or mental health challenged family members.

I have memories of a drunk and not so nice grandpa at Christmas. I won’t go into all my adult memories but some of them are really hard to look back on. I would say seeing my children suffer as a result of grown up people’s choices was the worst. You just never know what that difficult person is dealing with. Their pain may be so deep that they try to cover up…forget….act out of their own hard memories and displace their anger to others. It’s not an excuse to justify bad actions but instead to go the place of wondering what happened to them for their unhealthy actions to take center stage. Children should be protected from as much dysfunctional behavior as possible, even to the point of removing them from any unsafe conditions.

One thing for sure in humanity is that we tend to remember the bad events that happen to us more than the good, just by human nature. But legitimate painful family memories do matter and should not be ignored but rather evaluated in a healthy way. If painful memories are triggered often it can be so helpful to seek professional counsel in how to process them. I unashamedly can say a Christian therapist along with lots of prayer helped me find closure on those painful places in my memories. If any abusive behaviors continue during the holiday gatherings, it’s perfectly acceptable to set boundaries and bow out gracefully or attend with good intentions of enjoying family time together and if a problem arises, have a plan.

Since I came to the knowledge of God’s love for me, I am so better able to give grace to people. I have personally found if I surrender all my expectations of things to go as I plan and trust that God is with me and will guide me in dealing with difficult situations at holidays and just in every day life, then peace will come to my heart and the atmosphere around me, as well. Love covers a multitude of sin, I Peter 4:8. Love can break through and heal the most broken things of life, including relationships. Forgiving my offenders set me free to love like my Heavenly Father does, unconditionally with healthy boundaries.

Philippians 4:6-7 “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God which passes our human understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

It is life changing to learn to walk out life with that kind of peace and it is possible my friend, to relearn how to deal with holidays that hurt. Give your past memories to the One who loves you most, He truly cares about every hurt of your heart. If you are suffering the loss of someone you love, whether this is the first holiday without them or it’s been many years missing that special person, I am so sorry for your pain and pray God hold you extra close through the holidays and into the New Year. I pray healing over any past wounds and surround you with His peace, in the name of the Father, Jesus and the Holy Spirit.

In His Healing Love, Sharon Kay